Disclaimer: I am sad about the missing people on the missing Malaysian flight, and for their terrified families. However, the news coverage it receives in the US cries for a humorous response.
Scene: CNN newsroom (or any other)
- Anchor (male or female),
- Panel of 3 commentators: Jim, a white American male who is an expert on Aviation investigations, Alicia, a ravishing black female who is a is a renowned expert on aviation history, Jane, a gray-haired feisty minister called in at the last minute when the mass causality psychologist canceled due to a nervous breakdown.
Anchor: I know that no one really knows what happened, but can we have your best theory of where the missing triple 7 is right now. We need to fill in the next five hours with something. So, lets start with you Jim. Give me all you got.
Jim: We have absolutely no facts. It is impossible to speculate
Anchor: Okay then, Alicia, what is your take on all of this? Can you at least blabber on for a little while. Give me something, please.
Alicia: Well, uh, Jim said it all. It is impossible to speculate.
Anchor: Well, Rev J, I expect that as a minister, you are full of things to expound upon. What is your take?
Jane: Indeed! I have prayed fervently for insights into this terrible tragedy, but let me say first that my prayers are with the families. Now, this being Sunday and all, I was able to connect with my guru, Ali-boo-boo, who says that the Indian Ocean is the new Area 51. That’s right, alien beings have set up shop on a remote island out there and anything that comes into its zone of influence is immediately captured. Boo boo says that the plane has not crashed nor is it resting on the ocean floor. In fact, It is floating through the universe and is about to enter a parallel universe. He is not certain yet what the motive is for the capture, but he will share the news as it arrives.
Anchor: Oh my. Have you told any other news people. Is this a CNN exclusive report?
Jane: Oh yes, as a CNN follower since day one, I have saved Ali-boo-boo’s revelations just for you. This is an exclusive, inside track into what’s going on.
Anchor: Did you hear that folks? CNN has learned first of the alien capture of the Malaysian Airlines triple 7. Rev J, you are a saint. You have saved me from another boring 5 hours of nonsense and drivel from these boring experts I have to deal with. As your reward, you get to touch Wolf Blitzer’s hair.
Jane: Wow, I have always dreamed of meeting Wolf. And his hair! The Holy Spirit is a-flutter in my soul. Oh wait! Ali-boo-boo is channeling again. Ali….what is that? Are you sure? Wow again! It turns out that the triple 7 just entered the parallel universe and is headed towards a remote planet where the plane, passenger and crew will be assessed at the Center for Other-World Studies. It is a place where…
Anchor: More news! I feel that my career is going to sky rocket with this exclusive. Rev J, what else can you tell me? Can I reach Ali-boo-boo myself? Does he have a cell? I will get my agent to set up a deal. And you too. Let’s keep this at CNN, the world leader in news.
Jane: Ha-ha….there is no Ali-Boo-Boo
Jane: That’s right. I am just pulling your leg. Just giving viewers a good laugh. Isn’t that what you wanted? A theory?
Jane: Can I still touch Wolfies hair? Helllloooooo…is anyone there? Why did the lights go out? Wolf?